The following was released to the press yesterday by Jim Prime, Bill Lee’s co-author:
Bill Lee, former pitcher for the Boston Red Sox and Montreal Expos, announces today that he is applying for the position of Manager of the Boston Red Sox. “I was up at 4:30 am today, working on my acceptance speech,” said the confident candidate.
Lee, a USC-educated southpaw turned author, boasts an impressive major league career record of 119-90 with a 3.62 ERA, but suggests that his real strength lies in his “human touch” and his uncanny ability to relate well with players at all levels of competence. “My first job as manager will be to remove the door of my office so there will be no barrier between me and the players. Next I will demand 3 days off on Memorial Day so that I can play at Doubleday field. I know the players and I will be sick of each other by then because familiarity breeds contempt.”
Aware that the current ownership puts great stock in “statistically-based management,” the Spaceman also claims to have a “keen understanding of the value of quantitative analysis” in game preparation. “I’ll bring in Zimmer to help with team preparation from A-Z. He’s already an authority on Preparation H.”
“I’ll manage by the book”, insists Lee. “Specifically, by the credo set out in The Little Red Sox Book which will be mandatory reading for all Red Sox players coaches, groundskeepers, and fans wishing to purchase season tickets. Baseball is already much too tarnished by greed and avarice; therefore 90% of all monies received on the sale of this book will go to my publisher, Triumph Books. The remaining 10% will be shared between me and my co-author, Jim Prime, although undoubtedly some will be donated to the Don Zimmer Home for Hemorrhoid Sufferers, located in Flushing, NY, in hopes that future pain-fueled attacks on superstar pitchers will be averted.
“I have direct managerial lineage from Dadeaux to Stengel to McGraw. I will manage with the humanity of Mother Teresa and the scientific precision of Stephen Hawking. Theo (Epstein) and I should get along fine. We both like music and nightclubs.”
Lee promises that major decisions, such as the removal of Pedro Martinez in late innings of crucial games, will be decided by a show of hands by fans at Fenway Park (during home games) and a roundtable discussion involving all Red Sox players, coaches, and Boston media during road games.
Citing his numerous qualifications for consideration by Red Sox management, Lee pointed to his stellar record as a Yankee killer and vowed to end the curse that has frustrated the Bosox since the sale of Babe Ruth to the Yanks.
If chosen to manage the Red Sox, Lee has also vowed to:
-Tear down the Green Monster and build a 62-foot rubber wall in right field
-Hire Richard Simmons as fitness coach
-Insist that Nomar stop fidgeting
-Install Salem witch Laurie Cabot as pitching coach
-Make Luis Tiant the third base coach
-Hire Dan Shaughnessy and Gordon Edes as co- Press Secretary
In a city where the media can make or break a manager, Lee offers an olive branch – of sorts – to the sports journalists of Boston. “I will have a local sportswriter in the dugout for each game, so the players would have something to spit tobacco juice on.”
An interview with lee has not yet been announced by Red Sox ownership. “All I want is a chance, just one chance to prove myself. Oh yeah, and $2 million in Canadian money in case I have to make a run for the border.”
Official agent for the Committee to Appoint Bill Lee Manager of the Boston Red Sox
For more information, and to arrange an interview with the candidate, please contact me at:
E-mail: James.prime at nelson dot com